Being grateful for the hard days

I remember when I was pregnant with Rylee and Jake, feeling some lower back pain in my 2nd and 3rd trimesters as my hips moved and spread and adjusted to the growing baby who wiggled inside me . It was quite uncomfortable, but it wasn't terrible. And it was a little bit of a consolation that I had a sweet little thing doing somersaults in my tummy. I'm 11 weeks now and for the last week or so, I've been in quite a bit of pain. Ok...let's be honest, I've been quite miserable. I try to put on a happy face and tell everyone I'm alright. And many times - it's the truth. I do have some great days. But then other days I'm absolutely miserable. In addition to the normal 1st trimester stuff - puking, total exhaustion, headaches, being overly emotional..etc -- I've now began to feel my hips start to spread and adjust to this quickly growing belly. Two things are drastically different this time around 1) this is happening WAY early. Too early. and 2) it's incredibly painful. The other day I could literally, hardly walk and every move was painful. Standing, walking, sitting, laying down....it all hurt. I sat on the couch, with Darrin behind me rubbing my lower back and hips and just cried in pain.

Today I went to the doctors and told him about how painful it's been, half-expecting him to just blow it off as possibly all being in my head or just not as bad as I was really feeling. But instead he told me that in the 3rd pregnancy, the hips begin to move very early on and can be so hard on the woman. He said he has some patients who end p having to use walkers, their hips gets so bad. If the other day was any glimpse into what those women experience, I can see how a walker would help. I'm just hoping that it doesn't get that bad! Today I saw a new chiropractor who did some adjustments and am looking into trying to get (at least once a month) a prenatal massage. I'm also looking into getting back into Yoga. I'm hoping that the combination of all three will help fend the walkers away. :)

I have to say though - I truly apologize for complaining. I don't like to complain and I really try not to. That why when people ask me how Im doing, I normally plaster on a smile and say I'm hanging in there. I think that complaining is like a silent, deadly drug. It makes you feel better for a brief moment, and soon you start to do it more and more to get that fix. Then you start hanging around others that are addicted to the same drug....all complaining together and trying to "up" each other's complaint. And soon, you're entire soul is infected with this poison and it's literally killing you. Complaining is a gateway drug to negative thoughts and feelings and opens a door wide for Satan to come in and totally destroy you. You can't see the light because you're so overcome in this heavy, horrible fog. I have a motto "You can't control your circumstances but you can control how you respond to them." So I try to make deliberate choices to be positive and not complain. I'm human, so I still still mess up. But everyday I try more and more to ward off the drug and only concentrate on the positives in my life.

Also, I don't like to complain because I really feel like we're so very blessed. And really, I don't have anything to complain about. As I get older and meet more mothers and families, I'm becoming increasingly more aware of the desperation people have to just have a child. I always knew there were people who, so badly, wanted children but for whatever reason just couldn't have them. But as I meet more and more families, I see their faces and their hearts and learn how they would do absolutely anything to have one little child. How they go through years of fertility treatments, surrogacy and adoption processes all in hopes of holding a little, tiny human they can call their own to love and cherish and grow. Flesh and Blood or even coming out of their own body isn't of any concern. They plead and cry at the feet of our mighty God, asking, hoping, yearning for just some child to be given to them. I won't begin to pretend like I know the reasons or plans of our Lord, but my heart still aches for them. Or what about all those families who, tragically, have lost a child. Who have seen and felt the joy a sweet child brings and then have it ripped away from them -- leavign a hole in the very depth of their soul. When I think of each of these people -- of who I know personally -- and their tear-stained hearts, I feel so ashamed to even utter a word of complaint. God has given us now 3 of His children to love and take care of and bring up in Him. How can I possibly complain about anything? When you look at your own situation in the light of other's, you're able to see all the wonderful things you really posses. You stop fixating on your small problems and instead are able to see all the amazing things God has given you.

So in the midst of my pain, I'll remember the pain of others. And instead of concentrating on how badly I'm feeling at a particular moment, I'll say a prayer for those who would love to trade places with me. I'll choose to smile. I'll choose to be grateful for each day, no matter how hard it may seem or how awful I may feel. I'll choose to be thankful for each ache, each pain and each little, wonderful miracle the Lord has placed in our life.