Yesterday it rained. Like poured rain. And I loved it. I love how the rain showers the earth with freshness and renews everything. How it just washes things away and make the ground new again. However, yesterday I was also feeling a bit emotional. This pregnancy has certianly made me crazy with all its hormones and the past several days I have not been feeling great. I was late to my Bible Study and sat there, listening and praying and taking it all in....all while trying not to get sick in the middle of it. When we were finished, we broke up into our small groups for prayer requests. During this chapter and during the study, God's been pulling at my heart about a certain issue I've been pushing to the side because I really didn't think it was THAT big of a deal. But when all eyes were on me and the question "So what can we be praying for you about this week?" was asked, God exposed a truth, opened my heart and opened the floodgates. I started sobbing. Like not that touching little "a couple of tears rolling down the cheek" cry, it was a full on ugly-face cry. Words could hardly come out of my mouth. I was so shocked that it all came spewing out like that and so embarrassed that I was bawling in front of these ladies that surely think I'm psychotic. I'm still embarrassed about it and I'm pretty sure that I'll be embarrassed next week when we meet together too. All I could keep thinking while I was crying was 1) this isn't a huge thing to cry over. Why are you acting like this????!!! 2) Stop crying -- you are an ugly crier!! This is not pretty, Jenn! lol But the tears flowed anyways. My group gave me some wonderful advice, words of comfort and support and then quickly moved on to the next person (to which I was so grateful). I finally got out of there, but the crying still continued. I cried when I got outside in the sprinkling rain, I cried in my car, I cried on my way to Walmart. lol I haven't cried like that in so long. It was like the clouds opening up with rain gave me permission to open up too. And just like the rain, those tears renewed my soul.
God and I had some great conversation time yesterday as to why He wanted it all to come pouring out like that and this is the main thing that He taught me from that whole experience (and also why I'm exposing all this embarrassment to a public blog). We need to confess our sins, faults and life with others that will lift us up and wash over us with prayer. James 5:16 says "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."
I really believe that God wanted me to recognize the importance of sharing this sin with others who love me because I am a sister in Christ and want to see me repent and be healed. I think there's a very powerful thing in sharing your life -- the real life, not just the pretty one on the outside-- with people who really care for you and want to lift you up in prayer. I also think that when you open yourself up to be vulnerable, God uses it to show you that you are not alone. Separation and distance is a strategy Satan uses to keep us in the dark and in the wilderness. If we can stay feeling alone and that we're the only one dealing with a situation - then the enemy won. God was able to use a friend of mine, who was also in my group, to show me that I'm not alone in this struggle and share her life story as well. That was a wonderful thing. I already knew I wasn't alone, but to have someone come beside me and say "hey, I totally understand where you're coming from. God's amazing and you're not alone" is an awesome thing. And I am so thankful to her for sharing her life as I share mine.
So I guess I just want to encourage whoever reads this to think about your own life and your own struggles. If you feel like you haven't been open and honest with people who want to pray for you and help you through it - I challenge you to seek God's guidance and confess your faults to someone who can help wash you over with prayer. Whether it's a small thing or a huge, I-can-hardly-breathe it's so tough, struggle -- confess it to someone (or multiple people -- the more prayers the better!). Ask for prayer and for accountability. Cry if you need to. I promise you God will wash it all away and make you new again.
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